Thursday, March 09, 2006
Ass week... has really been an ass. I feel that im a total failure...
though the first day was kind of a "clean-sheet" for me... but the second and third day is nowhere good.
ytd's bio-org paper was considered trivial with relavance to chem arithmetic. during chem arithmetic, i had no idea what the questions were asking and i dont know what to say. there were some questions that i tikam through but some were TOTALLY a failure. take the last part for example, i managed to do the question (yes.. i know some did not), but the problem is, i punched the wrong values into the calculator! so what's the point in wasting time on that stupid question. another one is... what is the balanced equation of the reaction between hydrogen and oxide. i have no idea why on earth did my stupid instinct tell me to put hydrogen peroxide is formed? STUPID answer... stupid Jason to put a stupid answer...
then came chinese... people are like complaining about copying the first three para for the first question in compre, and guess what i did, all i wrote was from the first para! a six mark question and i just used one para of text for my answer... wth lah, im courting my own doom. and i confirm that i wont get a B.
this morning's IH DRQ was like giving a smack on my face. we speculated what topics will come out, and they did. and i felt that i just anyhow write for the paper, especially for the last two questions, the two most crucial one... and i screwed it up. how am i going to get a full list of A with this kind of score?
but maths was the biggest blow. after the exam, i see wendy, joanne, mich, kenneth all rejoicing when i cant even figure out how to do some questions. they were so smart by knowing that mod of fraction = mod of numerator / mod of denominator. and they also knew how to find the exact values of the stupid equation. i was thinking... am i fit to be an epsilonian? even omegan ppl know how to do these trivial questions, the test was NO-KICK to them at all!
dont say jason is an ass, insulting u all by saying this. dont say im pro, im a mugger, when u are doing compound formulae, im doing supplementary exercises. im always ahead of u ppl in normal classes, i save ur day when i teach people how to do their tutorials when they are stuck, when i myself was stuck without help at first... what's the point? you ppl out there is still much better than me! why degrade urselves? WHY? I seriously think that im not anywhere good. people like eesha and reg (no insults) are referred as hardworkers of the class. they work every hard, using every single second that they can spare to dedicate to work, finding out solutions even if it takes to go an extra mile.... IM ACTUALLY LIKE THEM! i work hard also, im stuck in questions before other people are stuck in it. i go for the extra mile to look for solutions when i bug mr tan for them. i do things ahead of time, when i actually used every second in my 2 hours tution of maths, physics and chem to learn and understand concepts the hard way like everyone did. BUT this is not being smart, this is only being smart in front of others, but not to urself.
i realised why people often say determination is the key to success, and why people fail to achieve certain goals when they gave up midway. how would people like reg and eesha fail when they really put their hearts and mind into work? how would people fail when people like wendy and joanne are just so smart? i think i begin to empathise on these people who failed. they are determined, but its just that no matter how determined they was, they just dont achieve. no matter how hard they worked, how many hours of revision they did, they just cant reach their goals. they are pulled away from their dreams and back into reality by their personal limitations. this is why people fail... coz when expectations continues to go higher and higher, ur limit doesnt. its just like the hooke's law! there is a limit of proportionality! u cant just keep on streching the rubber band forever... it will break! and i think mine had just broken.
well... things that are brokened can be placed back together, but the scars of pain and agony will nvr be dissolved. it just happened today... right after experiencing my own failure. i walked out of school today, knowing that i just screwed my whole ass week. however, at the SSEF grounds, there is no room in my mind to think about these things. and these memories begin to root into the deepest part of the brain... so deep and u hope that it would be so dark, u would not be able to see or find it. when i was having dinner with my parents tonight, they asked me how was my day, and from that point onwards, this painful memory begin to function like a brain tumour which kills off all my energy and spirit. in split seconds, i was dead silent with my arms crossing and my head staring towards the ceiling. and worst still, my parents think that im sleepy because of the lack of sleep for the past 4 days. cant they tell that their son is in a depressed mood? cant they tell that their son is working like a cow and going nowhere on the field of his academics?
after dinner, we went back to the IT show, which was held in suntec. as i walked past the creative stalls, i was not fancied by the multicoloured players or their REAL REAL sound blaster systems. when i accidentally hit someone in the crowds, i can hardly put up a smile and say sorry as a sign of courtesy. when my parents stopped to look on some things, i just continued to walk straight...
i dont know why am i screwing myself up lately, perhaps its too much of jedi outcast? but i think, to be normal and active, we should relax ourselves at least once everyday to give ourselves a mini reward. but this relaxation should not be the cause of my failure...
whatever it is, i reached to a conclusion that A and A+ dont come from being smart and go ahead of time, but from pressure that mounts on you which is like a ghost chasing right behind u for life and u are forced to run as fast as you could.
watch me come online at 3am next term
Read, You Must...5:56 AM